I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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