I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
