I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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