Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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