i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
