If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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