Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
