Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
