I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
