meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
