The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
