Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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