apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
