Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
