Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I have aggressive nipples.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
