I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
