The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
