she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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