My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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