She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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