Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
