Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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