So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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