Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
