I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Dicks are not precious.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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