1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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