The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
