I need to stop coming to work sober
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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