I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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