Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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