I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
