I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We have started to decorate penises.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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