If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
