I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
