dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
