do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
