We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
