Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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