either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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