I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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