I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
