dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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