I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
