This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
