My sheets look like a crime scene.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Randomize
