Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
