just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
