i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
