I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
