Plan B is the new Plan A
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
