yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
