It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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